tell the classic 'man walks into a bar joke..'

A guy walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, “A beer please, and one for the road.”

An amnesiac walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “Do I come here often?”

A guy with dyslexia walks into a bra.

A young Texan walks into a bar and orders a drink. “Got any ID?” asks the bartender. The Texan replies, “About what?”

A pair of battery jumper cables walk into a bar. The bartender says, “You can come in here, but you better not start anything!”

A Latin scholar walks into a bar and says, “I’ll have a martinus.” The bartender asks him. “Don’t you mean martini?” The man tells the bartender, “Listen, if I wanted two or more drinks I would have asked for them.”

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “So, why the long face?” A variant on this joke during the 2004 presidential campaign substituted John Kerry for the horse, but the punch line remains the same.

A penguin walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “Has my father been in here?” The bartender says, “I don’t know. What does he look like?”

A brain goes into a bar and says to the bartender, “I’ll have a beer, please.” The bartender says, “Sorry, I can’t serve you. You’re out of your head.”

A little pig goes into a bar and orders ten drinks. He finishes them and the bartender says, “Don’t you want to know where the toilet is?” The pig says, “No, thanks, I go wee-wee-wee all the way home.”

Ren? Descartes is in a bar at closing time. The bartender asks him if he’d like another drink. Descartes says, “I think not,” and he disappears.

A bear walks into a bar and says, “I’d like a beer and . . . . a packet of peanuts. The barman says, why the big pause?”

A kangaroo walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “That’ll be $10. You know, we don’t get many kangaroos coming in here.” The kangaroo says, “At $10 a beer, it’s not hard to understand.”

A termite walks into a bar and asks, “Is the bar tender here?”

A cheeseburger walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food in here.”

A dog with his foot wrapped in a bloody bandage hobbles into a Western saloon. He sidles up to the bar and announces: “I’m lookin’ fer the man that shot my paw.”

A baby seal walks into a bar. “What can I get you?” asks the bartender. “Anything but a Canadian Club,” replies the seal.

A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, “You’re quite a celebrity around here. We’ve even got a drink named after you.” The grasshopper says, “You’ve got a drink named Steve?”

A goldfish flops into a bar and looks at the bartender. The bartender asks, “What can I get you?” The goldfish says, “Water.”

A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to a lady and a dog. The man asks, “Does your dog bite?” The lady answers, “Never!” The man reaches out to pet the dog, and the dog bites his hand. The man says, “I thought you said your dog doesn’t bite!” The woman replies, “He doesn’t. That’s not my dog.”

A guy walks into a bar. A horse behind the bar serving drinks. The guy is just staring at the horse, when the horse says, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse serving drinks before?” The guy says, “Honestly, no. I never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

A skeleton walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “What’ll you have?” The skeleton says, “Give me a beer, and a mop.”

A polar bear, a giraffe and a penguin walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What is this, some kind of joke?”

A guy walks into a bar in Cork, in Ireland, and asks the barman: “What’s the quickest way to get to Dublin?” “Are you walking or driving?” asks the barman. “Driving,” says a man. “That’s the quickest way,” says the barman.

A fellow walks into a pub near Buckingham Palace in London, sits down, and says, “Give me a beer. I’ve had a rough day at work.” And the bartender says, “Oh? What do you do?” The guy says, “I take care of the corgis–you know, the dogs the royal family owns.” The bartender asks, “Tough job, huh? The guy says, “Yeah. All that inbreeding has led to low intelligence and bad temperaments. And the dogs aren’t too smart, either.”

A man goes into a bar and says, “Give me a drink before the trouble starts.” And the bartender pours him a drink. He drinks it and says, “Give me another drink before the trouble starts.” He downs that one and says quotation mark, give me another drink before the trouble starts.” Finally, the bartender asks, “Just when is this trouble going to start?” The man says, “The trouble starts just as soon as I tell you that I don’t have any money.”

A tourist goes into a bar where a dog is sitting in a chair playing poker. He asks, “Is that dog there really playing poker?” And the bartender says, “Yeah, but he’s not too smart. Whenever he has a good hand, he starts wagging his tail.”

This cowboy walks into a bar and orders a beer. His hat is made of brown wrapping paper. And so are his shirt, vest, chaps, pants, and boots. His spurs are also made of paper. Pretty soon, the sheriff arrives and arrests him for rustling.

A guy goes into a bar, orders four shots of the most expensive 30-year-old single malt Scotch whisky and downs them one after the other. The bartender says, “You seem to be in a great hurry.” The guy says, “You would be too if you had what I have.” The bartender asks, “What have you got? “Fifty cents,” is the reply.

A Northerner walks into a bar in the Deep South around Christmas time. A small nativity scene is behind the bar, and the guy says, “That’s a nice nativity scene. But how come the three wise men are all wearing firemen’s hats?” And the bartender says, “Well, it says right there in the Bible–the three wise men came from afar.”

A man walked into a bar, sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a voice say, “Nice tie.” Looking around, he saw that the bar was empty except for him and the bartender. A few sips later, another voice said, “Beautiful shirt.” At this, the man calls the bartender over. “Say, I must be losing my mind,” he tells him. “I keep hearing these voices say nice things, and there is not a soul in here but us.” “It’s the peanuts,” explains the bartender, indicating a dish on the bar. “The peanuts?” “That’s right, the peanuts–they’re complementary.”

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe. He says, “A beer for me and one for my giraffe.” And they stand around drinking for hours until the giraffe passes out on the floor. The man pays the tab and gets up to leave. The bartender says, “Hey! You’re not going to leave that lyin’ on the floor, are you?” The man says, “That’s not a lion, it’s a giraffe.”

A guy walks into a bar with a German shepherd dog. The bartender says, “Hey buddy, can’t you read that sign? It says no dogs allowed! Get that mutt out of here!” The man replies, “No, I can’t read the sign–I’m blind, and this is my Seeing Eye dog.” The bartender is embarrassed and gives the man a beer on the house. Later that day, the man tells his friend about it: “I told him I was blind, and I got a free beer!” The friend then takes his dog into the bar and sits down. The bartender says, “The sign says no dogs allowed! You’ll have to leave!” The friend says, “Sorry, I can’t see the sign because I’m blind, and this is my Seeing Eye dog.” The bartender replies, “Since when do they give out Chihuahuas as Seeing Eye dogs?” The man says, “They gave me a Chihuahua?”

A blind man walks into a bar, grabs his dog by its hind legs and swings him around in a circle. The bartender says, “Hey, buddy, what are you doing?” And the blind man says, “Don’t mind me. I’m just looking around.”

A man walks into a bar looking sad, and the bartender asks him, “What’s the matter?” The man says, “My wife and I had a fight, and she told me she wasn’t going to speak to me for a month. The month is up today.”

This guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. He looks in his pocket and orders another drink, looks in his pocket and orders still another drink. His curiosity aroused, the bartender asks, “What are you doing? What’s in your pocket?” And the guy says, “It’s a picture of my wife. When she starts looking good to me, I know it’s time to go home.”

know what kind of student you are depending on seating position...

...Drift (Warning! May Alter Sleep Patterns)

You've probably watched Initial-D, The Not-So-Fast and Not-So-Furious Bollywood Drift, or some cheesy Hollywood films with some cars screeching tires in it, so i reckoned that you do have a basic idea on drifting. So, nooooo neeed to terus baca-lah... buang masa saje....








Still with us? Man, you are a curious one aren't you? Okay then, sifu jeffu will try his best to educate you.




Basically when you are drifting, you initiate your car to slide sideways, and maintain it for a period of time. When you do it right, you should look like this from the photographer's camera lens :

or this:

The more the merrier:

The smokier the better:

The blue-er the better:

Okay, enough of that.

If you haven't realise, you need a car to drift. What car is suitable to drift you ask? Why, anything with four wheels will do. But it is highly recommended by NASA scientists that the best drift machine for beginners is this:

Yes, the over-rated Ae86takumifujiwarainitiald. But getting yourself an Ae86takumifujiwarainitiald these days will cost you your life. Like i said earlier, anything with four wheels will do, but it is recommended to modify it to look like the Ae86takumifujiwarainitiald so you will look cool-er when you drift.

Why don't we consider this?

Okay, to modify that kayu to look like the ae86takumifujiwarainitiald, you must consider yourself these few upgrades:

BUCKET SEATS

Bucket seats are important as they keep your ass planted firmly to the car while you are drifiting

HARNESS

Harness such as 5-point seat belt and roll cage are required to protect yourself against any mishap that might happen while you are drifitng

LSD

These LSD pills will keep you from thinking rationally while driving, which is important while you are drifting. LSD is a must! Or else your kayu (ae86takumifujiwarainitiald wannabe) will not look like the real ae86takumifujiwarainitiald let alone drift properly

When you did everything as stated above, congratulations! You have now a proper machine to drift with! Your very own ae86takumifujiwarainitiald:

Not to shabby eh?

Now, comes the second part, the techniques to initiate drift. Shown below are the more popular ones, as other techniques requires you to be either a japanese or a shin-jitsu master to master it.

BRAKING DRIFT:

As the title suggests, just slam on the brakes hard enough to break your legs while turning your car around a corner and hope for the best to happen.

Hand Brake Drift (E-brake)

Before entering a corner, pull the handbrake like as if you are stopping a train and then leave it there. The rest is similar to braking drift, and you hope for the best to happen later. IMPORTANT! You musn't release the handbrake while drifting! Releasing the handbrake during the drift will incur the wrath of Amitabh Bachnan.

CLUTCH KICK

Refer illustration for info

When you mastered all the techniques above, congratulations! You are now a drift master. Now you can enter any drift competition and steal the competition! Bribing the judge is a must.




Before i end my blog this time, i will like to extent my thanks to:

Keiichi Tsuchiya for mocking the white dude in Tokyo Drift

Ken Nomura for his drift techniques and...

Takumi Fujiwara for demonstrating train drifting

Im serious!

Multi Track Drifting yo!

That's all for now, loves.

...get a free Big Mac?

Just do the Big Mac Chant under 4 seconds.

Bloody hell, I still can't get it...didn't bother anyway.

Big Mac Chant:

“Two All-Beef Patties,
Special Sauce, Lettuce,
Cheese, Pickles, Onions
On A Sesame Seed Bun!”

under 4 seconds..

and you get a Big Mac

urm...





thats it...uhhmmmm....sedap

or stand a chance to win Rm 10K

http://www.nuffnang.com.my/bigmacchant

Random post

How to be more aware of Mechanic Scams

1. "If a mechanic offers to change your timing belt and water pump, question how long the job will take. Some will charge you double labor even though the second task is essentially done once the belt is removed."

2. "Always ask for your old parts back. This way you'll know they've been changed, and you or a friend can tell if they're worn."

3. "Be careful with "road hazard" warranties on tires. The shops may give you a free tire here and there, but eventually they will soak you with unnecessary alignments or suspension replacements."

4. "All brakes are not equal; ask for estimates on brake jobs. Many mechanics will use very cheap parts and mark them up. Good mechanics who understand cars will never skimp in this area."

5. "Remember to have your car test-driven. A good test-drive is just as important as a regular service -- it might mean the difference between simply needing brake pads and having a complete rotor replacement."

6. "Good mechanics, like good customers, are hard to find -- communication is key. A good mechanic will explain repair phases and give you choices."

7. "Be wary of certified pre-owned cars. Usually in this business the only thing that's certified is that someone owned the car before you. Very little ever gets done on these types of cars."

8. "Don't bring your car in on Friday afternoon, because the mechanics might rush the job to get out for the weekend."

9. "Beware of a mechanic who shows you a transmission pan with metal particles in it, and recommends a major job. The shavings are usually a sign of normal wear."

10. "Before buying new tires, know what your state's tread specifications are. Then have the mechanic measure the old tread with a gauge."

11. "Watch out for ads promising $100 brake jobs. No mechanic can make money on that."

12. "Transmission flushes are one of the biggest scams going. Manufacturers don't recommend them, and your car almost never needs one."

13. "The market is being flooded with cheap parts from China. Request a name-brand replacement and ask to see its box."


Happy Cruisin~